She is just a nothing.

Carta

Las cosas no cambian, no mejoran. Seguimos en el mismo lugar.
Vivir escondida y actuando cansa.
Me pediste que me abra, pero ¿fue sólo por escuchar su sonido?
Me resulta demasiado difícil hacerlo, y en las raras ocasiones en las que lo intento, en las que me asomo, te tapás los ojos.
Como siempre, como en el principio, no cambio nada.

Sin embargo, lo entiendo. Te enamoraste de alguien que no existe. Y no querés ver que sea distinto a lo que vos esperas que sea.
Y se, que nadie podría amar a quien se esconde. No hay nada que amar allí, hay sólo sufrimiento.
Y estoy acá, estancada. Me rendí a intentar que me ayudes, de nada sirvió el esfuerzo que puse. No veo forma de ayudarme. No hay salida. Y no se cuánto más pueda seguir así.

Por favor, date cuenta. Por favor, dejá de mantenerme en tortura. Por favor, dejame ir.

Do you really want to wipe me off?

Me? Your soul sister?

Time to time.
There is nothing I can do but to sit and cry again this night.
My head aches so badly I don't even know what to think.
What is it that I need from you? And why you?


I love a lost child that's lost somewhere, just like me, crying somewhere.

Otro misterio resuelto, gracias a mi capacidad sobrehumana de perder el tiempo.

Impatient to reaction
Find the action
Kill the function

Determine what's surrounding
Stop the pounding
Just be wondering

But aren't you completely lost
You could be hosted
In fact you're tosted

Maybe I'm already gone
Don't you get bored
Of being ignored

Necesito hacer algo productivo con mi vida

Se que eso es un paso sumamente importante para sentirme mejor conmigo.
Primero que nada es importante saber qué considero productivo yo. Para que sienta que algo es productivo me tiene que dar cierta satisfacción el hecho de estar haciendo o (y más importante) haberlo hecho. El problema es que me importa demasiado poco todo.  No me interesa nada.
No me interesa demasiado cómo me valla en los parciales, no me importa dejar todo para el último día. No me importa acostarme tarde y estar cansada mañana. Son sólo ejemplos del momento.
Entonces caigo en perder el tiempo con tonterías, porque aunque casi nunca me de satisfacción el "haberlo hecho", al meeenos me da cierta satisfacción el "estarlo haciendo", aunque sólo sea por entretenerme un rato. Al final, me sigo sintiendo mal por no llegar a nada.
Realmente, realmente, quisiera hacer algo productivo. El problema es que no se me ocurre qué.

Quiero cagarte a trompadas.

Eso es lo extraño de vos y yo. Siempre te odié.
El sentimiento no aminora.

What the fuck was that? Werent you supposed to cheer me up?

Correct me if Im wrong: if someone calls you crying, telling you how awfull they feel, arent you supposed to do some crazy shit like, caring maybe?

 You just remained silent. And conplained about yourself. You didnt even care about making me feel better. I wouldnt be upset if you had tried to cheer me but failed. Im upset because you didnt even try, you didnt even want to try conforting me. Not even ONE single kind word.

 And you were just mad at me, because I wasnt letting you sleep. Yeah. Thanks for making me feel worse. That was quite annoying since YOU made me promise I would call you if i felt bad, no matter what time it was, no matter if you were sleeping. Actually I skiped that promise a million times before because i still didnt want to bother you. But what was the point in that promise? To make me erroneusly believe that I could count with you?Tonight was the first time I called you. And Im pretty sure it'll be the last.

Got to learn how to move on

I'm stuck here. But how can I help me? I can't save my future when I don't believe in it. I can't do things to make it better later when I don't even want to be here later. What can I do?

I just wish to make you happy at least. I don't know if I'm doing well. I can lie o myself saying that I know it is for the best. I hope I'm enough to fill it.

Old, old notes by me

Mr. Pain
August 15, 2011 at 4:21am

What more could you expect from a masoquist?
Pain follows you like your shadow, he never leaves you alone. You try to hide anywere you can, but he doesnt give up on chasing you.
You dont want to give up your life to Mr. Pain, you must find... a way out... somehow... You need to tell yourself you're not giving up, or you'll be dead.
Or worst, you'll be dead but your body will still be living, with no motivation, no willing to see the sun, the colors, not being capable of laughing, smiling or feeling warmth again..
You know you shouldn't give up but sometimes Mr. Pain seems to have won the game. He is inside you now, like a thoundsan needles stuck in your body, destroying every single part of your chest and leaving holes everywere.
Holes that only one person is capable of filling, but he just wont do it. That person might be bussy doing something else, or maybe he simply doesnt care about it.
You have to learn to live with that holes or try to fill them with anything you can, although you know it wont be the same. But what else can you do? The only solution is to go on, to say I DONT CARE no matter how hard it is you NEED to do it. You NEED to tell Mr. Pain that you dont care about him or he wil never leave your side.

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Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember

Love you more,
Than those bitches before.